Some days I don't feel like smiling

Everyone comments on how much I smile and how rare it is when I'm not smiling. Smiling isn't something I think about doing, it's just a reaction to what is going around me.

Last night I wrote an entry but my mom decided to delete it because it seemed to be negative and that's not the spin we want my blog to have. But, it was what I was feeling at the time.

My parents describe me as happy go lucky person. I don't let too much make me sad or mad, and even then whatever caused those feelings usually ends quickly and life goes on.

Friday's appointment with my neurologist didn't go the way my mom had hoped. She's a nurse, she knows her medical stuff, and she wanted definite answers. My neurologist couldn't give definites.

What we DO know is that my last eeg in June only showed generalized seizures, called absence seizures. Generalized simply means that the seizure activity involves the whole brain. Absence seizures (pronounced AB-sonce) are the type of seizures that last briefly (mine were only 5 seconds) and the person has a vacant stare. After the seizure is over the person resumes whatever he/she was doing before the seizure and has no idea that the seizure even occured.

Apparently there are a lot of different types of epilepsy syndromes and even more seizure types. I bet you didn't know that.

If I have absence epilepsy this COULD be outgrown. If I have JME this would be a life long condition.

I was hoping it would be the absence type. My neurologist, after speaking to my mom on Friday, feels that it's a high possibility that I have JME. The only GOOD thing is that my eeg didn't show the "polyspikes" that you would see with JME, but according to my neurologist that doesn't mean anything really. So, it's really not THAT good.

Epilepsy syndromes and seizure types are CONFUSING and I don't think I want it anymore! Knowing I may have JME and that it would be life long doesn't make me want to smile. My mom said that having seizures and taking medicine for the rest of my life is no different than my sister having asthma and having to use her inhaler the rest of her life. She said that seizures can be scarey, but not being able to breathe during an asthma attack is just as scarey. That makes sense but doesn't exactly make me feel better, or make me feel like smiling.

I know that when life hands you lemons you're suppose to make lemonade. I don't feel like squeezing the lemons, adding the water, and adding the sugar just to make lemonade. Can't I just find someone with a papercut instead?